


Say "I love you" (when you're not listening)

by Miss Hiraya (Miss_Hiraya)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi the one who packs a punch to set anyone straight, Angst, Bokuto the all-knowing owl, Gen, Hinata the sun child, Kuroo the scheming bastard with good intentions, M/M, POV Second Person, because the author love sappy endings, bless him, featuring tsukki's only-trying-to-help friends, it's a happy ending of course, the yamaguchi is a gift, tsukki is confused, unbetaed, what is love?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 06:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7880464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Hiraya/pseuds/Miss%20Hiraya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That was your mistake; the first that you realize among other countless ones you realized too late after. That night was an absolute disaster because it involved a certain Kuroo Tetsuro who somehow manipulated you into spilling the exact thoughts you swore you’d never let him hear you say.</p><p>“You could’ve just told me, Tsukki. I would’ve let you go. So why didn’t you? Were you afraid I’d refuse to be your friend if you told me you didn’t feel the same way?”</p><p>“Don’t you trust me a little, Tsukki?”</p><p>The words rang inside your head, pounding into your skull accusingly. Somehow, it’s the words left unspoken that dealt the heaviest blow. You wanted to tell him… you didn't know what to tell him because he’s right and you realized that he’s braver and stronger in all the ways you’re not. </p><p>---- or,<br/>in which Yamaguchi is in love, Tsukki doesn't know what it means, and their friends are only trying to help because the world has enough tragic love stories, thank you very much, and they are not going to have theirs to be added to that list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say "I love you" (when you're not listening)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is inspired from Christina Perri's "Distance" and basically the whole fic was me being carried away to her two songs, "Distance" and "Words". so, if you have time, you can check out these songs and listen to them while reading this one :>
> 
> this is my first post in this fandom. haha. hello!

You met when you were kids, an accident on your part as you unintentionally scared off three boys who were making fun of him. It was a normal morning on an ordinary day, and seeing a plain face in the crowd was not something you dwelt on upon because you’re a kid, and you believed that people are just plain annoying.

Adults were complicated creatures, and kids were… simple. At least most of the ones you met are. You didn’t bother intriguing yourself with what could possibly be wrong with that boy that the others bullied him for except for being a pushover.

It’s three days later you see the boy again, peeking by the door to the gym where you and the other kids played volleyball, and this time you finally took note of him…. The dark hair with an untamable cowlick, the wide hazel brown eyes, small nose, chubby cheeks, the lanky build, timid, stuttering demeanor, and mostly the freckles crossing from cheek to cheek.

It became a sight of familiarity and company. Unfortunately, so did his unabashed adoration for you especially when he bragged you to other people. His voice was on a constant chatter when you walk to school together and go home together. You’d tell him to shut up, and honestly you’re surprised he didn’t cry over it the first time he heard it. You’d tell him he’s annoying, and he’d flinch a little, but over time he’s irritatingly become immune to it.

He would take every stingy word in a stride and with a smile, an apology quickly said like a habit, _“Sorry Tsukki!”_ Perhaps, that was what pushed you to invite him to your house. Perhaps, that was what made you recognize that this boy, this shy freckled boy who called you “Tsukki” and got away with it, was your friend.

And he was your best friend for the next years that came. He was the same cowardly, spineless, and sometimes awkward friend but he’s also the fussy, genuinely caring friend who stayed and patiently waited beyond the walls you created. Who knew and understood when you preferred the solace of your headphones, but didn’t stray far from your side because he’d always dragged you back when you got too far and too deep. He was the friend who’d buy you shortcakes for no reason at all, and who never laughed at your dinosaur collection when he had all the right materials to tease you for. He’s the friend who called you cute when you wore the dinosaur hoodie, and when you sulked over a game you never beat. He’s the friend who liked floppy fries and who’d sleep for twelve hours straight if not for the invention of alarm clocks.

He’s the friend you had ever since you could remember. The one who stayed even after that _incident_ , when your words became sharper and meaner if only to protect yourself from the world. The one who cried for you because he knew you hated crying even if it’s the only way to release all the hurt and betrayal that you felt for your brother.

He’s the person who laughed at your jokes, sided with you when you sassed at people, and thoroughly read you like an open book. He’s not the first to step back when your words became too much to handle, but he’s the first person not your blood who braved his way to hold you when you break. He’s not the first person who got upset when you were too stubborn and morose, but he’s the first person who yelled you back to your senses and set you straight, eventually. Perhaps, it’s these things that made you realize that you’re too lucky to have a loyal friend like him. Perhaps, you ought to say something to him at the least, but it’s kind of pointless and unnecessary since you’ve already been friends for years and those words were long overdue.

As much as you wanted to deny every time the freak-duo idiots points out how you’re basically tied at the waist and that you’re rarely seen without the other, you can’t. Because looking back on it, you’ve done so many things together that his company is second nature to you.

It’s only in third year high school that he confessed to you, and your world shook because you were already so comfortable with the fact that Yamaguchi Tadashi was your best friend, thinking of nothing more about it. You started thinking of the ways he’s inserted himself in your life and you thought you liked him, but the word _love_ is too strong a word and not to mention something you never thought you’d deal with. You liked him even if you’re not sure exactly how much you felt, if it's the same as what the word should mean, but what’s the difference anyway, right?

That was your mistake; the first that you realize among other countless ones you realized too late after. That night was an absolute disaster because it involved a certain Kuroo Tetsuro who somehow manipulated you into spilling the exact thoughts you swore you’d never let him hear you say.

_“You could’ve just told me, Tsukki. I would’ve let you go. So why didn’t you? Were you afraid I’d refuse to be your friend if you told me you didn’t feel the same way?”_

_“Don’t you trust me a little, Tsukki?”_

The words rang inside your head, pounding into your skull accusingly. Somehow, it’s the words left unspoken that dealt the heaviest blow. You wanted to tell him… you didn't know what to tell him because he’s right and you realized that he’s braver and stronger in all the ways you’re not.

You felt the anger fill your lungs, and the worst part was you can’t even bring yourself to be angry at the Nekoma ex-captain for being his usual scheming-but-only-trying-to-help self. The worst part was that you were angry at yourself, because Yama- Tadashi’s trembling but his eyes were sharp with the same look you recognized in yourself years ago: hurt and betrayal.

He took your silence as an answer.

So you’ve won the Spring Tournament, and the next thing you knew graduation’s already came and you’re already on your train to Tokyo to start college. You never really talked through the remaining time before graduation and your (nosy but only-trying-to-help) friends gave up after too many attempts to get you two to make up. You never had the chance to explain because every time you tried, the words die a horrible death and you lament at your cowardice.

Bokuto knew(and that’s a feat in itself) and Kuroo knew that what happened stayed a sore topic for you. Surprisingly, it’s Akaashi who gave you a sound beating for being _pathetic_ (somehow, Akaashi has a way to insult and berate you in just a single word and a solid punch in the face).

 

Losing him wasn’t like suddenly forgetting to breathe, but more like you never realizing you were breathing oxygen until you choked at the lack of it. It felt like looking into an evening sky only to realize that you’re in the middle of the city and realizing how the sky looked scarier without the little stars dotting them because the concrete jungle covered them all.

Losing him meant missing a huge part of your life you didn’t realize he had until he took it with him. With that, of course, it tilted your world six ways and you had no idea how to fix it. It’s like an equation you could never find the right answer to because the constant was missing.

 

The biggest, stupidest mistake was you taking Yamaguchi Tadashi for granted. And now, you’re pretty sure you’re going to bear that guilt for the rest of your pathetic life.

 

He was your constant, safety net, warm blanket and you miss—

The way his eyes light up when he’s excited, and soften when he looks at you thinking you don’t notice,

The way his fingers fidget when he’s nervous, and be steady and warm when he calms the you down,

The way his laugh sounds more like a giggle, and the way he’d occasionally add in a funny snort,

The way he grins all smug and teasing, but when he actually smiles his lips form a small shy curve upward,

The way he brags you to anyone, but when it comes to himself he can’t ever have enough confidence,

The way he stumbles with frayed nerves at every little thing, and still be braver than most in scarier situations,

The way his freckles looked like constellations, even when he thinks it’s dirt he can never erase,

The way he’s willing do anything and give you anything without really asking for something in return,

The way he takes your birthdays seriously, his tone unarguable when you insist on just doing nothing,

The way he calls your name like an endearment, and apologizes in the same tone multiple times in a day,

The way he always cares for everyone, and you the most,

The way he’s been there for you all these years, unyielding and unperturbed by the scathing words and iron walls,

The way he’s accepted you for all your sharp and broken parts, and held all of your pieces with reverence and warmth.

\---you miss him.

 

Perhaps, it’s because you lost him that you now start to think of these things.

 

Perhaps, it’s because you’re finally seeing outside of your conceited self that you’re finally able to notice the way you—

The way you always think of him first when you brought a new dinosaur figure or have an urge to go to the movies,

The way you never outright ask, but always secretly felt a little better hearing him compliment you,

The way you sometimes forget your lunch just so you have the excuse to eat his cooking,

The way you worry when it rains hard, because you know he’s mostly alone in his house and is afraid of thunderstorms,

The way you suddenly have the overwhelming urge to punch anyone who is too close to him,

The way you see red when some idiot tries to destroy what little of his confidence is left by telling him insulting lies,

The way the tips of your ears heat up uncomfortable when he directs his attention at you,

The way you feel a fuzzy warm feeling when he does something incredibly silly, and childish, and _just like him_ that it’s endearing,

The way you’d seek comfort in his presence, in his voice, in his hands holding yours in days when the world is too much to handle,

The way you’d unconsciously gravitate towards him like he’s the closest thing to home,

The way your heart rebels in its cage, your walls shake to its core, and your brain shortcircuits when he smiles at you,

The way you long to be by his side always, have him only to yourself that you're convinced it's childish.

\--- and you hate yourself a little more because Akaashi-san was right, you were pathetic and dense and an absolute coward for never acknowledging these feelings, fearing it's not the way he feels for you. 

What’s more, it took Kuroo, Bokuto, and (god have mercy)  Hinata’s combined efforts to actually do the first step for you.

* * *

 

 The first thing you say, the moment he hesitantly lets you inside his apartment just to spare you from the biting cold of December snow, is the hardest.

_“I’m sorry, Yamaguchi.”_

These are not the words you meant to say years ago, but it’s the second and probably the most important thing you need to say which is long overdue, considering it’s been a year since that day. This time you will every muscle in your body to cooperate with you, refusing to let your words die before they are conveyed. You force yourself to stare back at those dark orbs, steeling yourself to receive the blow you deserve.

What you get is not what you expect.

 _“I’m sorry too, Tsukki..”_ he mumbles, lips trembling in effort. _“It wasn’t fair for you… I know. I didn’t mean to pressure you into feeling more than what you have for me, and I should’ve known it was difficult for you…. Because in the end, we’re just afraid, right? I was afraid I’d lose you so I didn’t give you a chance to think, and you were afraid to lose a friend in me if you reject m-“_

_“Shut up, Yamaguchi,”_

_“Sorry Tsukki.”_ He blurts out, but this time not out of playful insincerity, and your heart crumbles a little more.

_“No matter how I see it, it wasn’t your fault I’m not good with emotions. You know that between us, I’m the emotionally-awkward, and for that I can be a conceited jerk most of the time—“_

_“Tsukkii-“_

_“No, let me finish. As I said, I’m not good with feelings. I admit that I agreed to be your boyfriend because I thought…  Everything will change between the two of us anyway, whether I say yes or no._ _Y_ _ou’re right. I was_ _afraid that I’d lose you either way._ _I… I knew I liked you… yet I refuse to word it as ‘love’ simply because I… I’m afraid that I’d be wrong to assume that what I feel as love will the same as yours._ _All I know is that I don't want us to change and that I_ _can’t stand other people being closer to you than I am.._ _”_ You pause, the ice creeping up to your spine and up to the tips of your hair. It’s like a dam breaking, and you’d probably be eternally embarrassed for rearing your ugly insecurities, but you remind yourself that this is a person who’s accepted every sharp thing and broken piece that you’re made of.

_“It’s… childish, I know. I know I’m being_ _selfish_ _. And I don’t know if it’s right to feel that for you_ _.  I don’t know if you feel the same way too. If this is what it means to love someone, or is it just because I’m so used to you being a huge part of my life that I can’t stand other people to have you the way I do._ _Thankfully, Akaashi-san has a really strong uppercut. And now at least, I know… I’ve been a coward, Yamaguchi. I ran and I didn’t trust you_ _instead of telling you all these things_ _, and_ _now_ _I’m here to try and fix that, at least.”_

The next words are harder, like they weigh heavily in your tongue, "I lo--..”

He hushes whatever you want say with his fingers covering your lips. His eyes are warm, understanding as you remembered. “Shut up, Tsukki.” He admonishes, but it’s too gentle and too full of affection that you instinctively breathe out a heavy sigh at the immense relief of it all.

He smiles at you and doesn’t let you say the words. He tells you _it’s okay_ without saying it. It’s for the nth time that you think how fortunate you are to have him in your life. But you’re done running away, being afraid of things that could happen, being afraid of hurting him and yourself in the process. You’re done worrying about how this would end, and if it ends, how this would change you both. You’re done worrying about him not understanding what you mean, because when he looks at you he sees an open book and he accepts all of the sharp things and broken pieces that you are made of. His love is selfless only for you, while yours is selfish and only for him. But the bottom line is, you want to be with him for the rest of your days, and you want to make him feel that he deserves every bit of affection you have for him. You want to kiss all of his freckles until he doesn’t feel like they’re dirt anymore, you want to hold him and make him happy, you want to spoil him, protect him, and you want to cherish each part of him just as he accepted yours.

Even though you can’t say the words out loud, you want to tell him. So you press your lips to the warm and freckled hand on your cheek, and look at him with all sincerity you have.

 

Years later, when you’re both older and wiser and surer, when you watch him sleep peacefully to the sound of your heartbeats like it’s the sound of home,  you look at him and see the world, and realization strikes you yet again. But this time there’s no panic, only a warm fuzzy feeling settling in your gut and deep in your bones as you finally say the words.

(Next time, you promise to tell him the exact three words while he’s awake and you’re holding the ring you’ve saved up and brought with help of your friends.)

(Honestly, how would you do without them? Badly, that’s it.)

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> so, how was it?? chat you in the comments?


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